I should be doing my very not nice homework.

Anyway, I read spikedog's blog just now. Sad guy. I wish I could do something about it. I don't symphatise with him. I emphatise with him. That's different.

I shall elaborate the next time cause I really need to get back to the pen and paper.

If only

The lie was you.
And yet the truth was your lies.

I have been thinking about something these few days. Should I go or should I stay? What is it that I truly want?

They say that I am a coward and maybe I am? I fear being a failure in the face of change. I fear being unable to adapt and losing everything that I had already acheived but when I look at the relatives that have come here, I wonder to myself, maybe this is where I need to go. Maybe this is where I need to go if I really want to get what I want.

But there are certain things that I can't bear to let go off.

The limitation of fear.

Disappointed.

I shall type 10 random things about myself that people might or might not know:

1) I don't like the smell of food on my hands.
2) I get lonely easily. Don't laugh.
3) I hate to say this but I crave acknowledgement
4) I tend to contradict and change my views and opinions alot and it's due to the fact that I think too much.
5) I have a wide and diverse taste in the type of music that I like.
6) Do you really want to continue reading this?
7) There are many things I notice just that I don't say it.
8) People are usually unable to tell how I am feeling.
9) Typing in this blog makes me kind of pissed sometimes because I feel like people are looking at some free show.
10) I think that I regret saying no at that time.

So how many of the things stated above about me did you know?

P.S: If you think that I'm alright, then you don't know me.

So let the guilt kill me and your hate blind you.

I really need to talk to someone right now or I might just go crazy. But there's no one for me talk to.

Goddamn it.

I'm sorry for how I was today. I think that you probably know that I was kind of down today. And if you want to know the reason, I can say it but you will probably laugh at me or maybe you won't. Who knows. I'm sorry. You came all the way here only to see me in a foul mood. You don't deserve it. I'm sorry.

I will type the rest of my feelings in a private post in my lj. If you want to see it, you can. Depending on who you are.

Emptiness eats away the heart like wildfire.

I'm supposed to be doing my composition but whatever. I can't stand writing it cause the storyline is supremely lame but teachers love lame compositions so I'll freakin give them a composition so lame that they will suffocate because of it's lameness.

Anyway, I am currently reading Tora Dora and it's really quite nice. The drawings are good and the story is touching and funny at the same time so if you have the time, please go and read it.

I might post again later in the day. My mind is currently in a contemplative state.Actually, I'm kind of sad.

To crave for what I cannot have.
Is that a sin?

I'm posting up another link but this time, it's a song. It's called "Unchained Melody" and it's the theme from the movie "Ghost" and no, contrary to its name, ghost is not a horror movie but its the love story between a woman and a ghost. Some of you may have heard this song before.

Unchained melody: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gIZnx1vQ9gY&feature=related

Here's another song that you all might want to try listening to. It's called "Moonlight sonata" and its by Beethoven. It talks about the unrequited love that Beethoven had for a woman.

Moonlight sonata: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w2cFEHM9yMw&feature=related

Enjoy.

Hey, I have posted a few links of videos that I really enjoyed. They are really funny so if you have the time, please go and watch them.

The ipod human: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Phbe8mEDMe4&feature=channel
Things I like: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rBBleNvbXt4&feature=channel
A message to all haters: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wXFCPUlGYEM&feature=channel
Subliminal messaging: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2MqYiZiPl1o&feature=channel
Rant on stink people: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NsUtjhXx6DI&feature=channel
5 Nigahiga facts: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TOgooJ0ZL_4&feature=channel
The Ninja Glare:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xeje_pp_NyA&feature=channel
How to be UFC fighter: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=12wc8LpEBhw&feature=channel
Ranting about music: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sH3LMGiCxVs&feature=channel
Rant on nosy people: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ixAp4c-1-TU&feature=channel
Rant on A.D.D: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bzfDMe0y8TQ&feature=channel
Rant on comments: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LLF1rMC-D0A&feature=channel
Sorry fans, blame my A.D.D: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0fr02VqwQOA&feature=channel
I wanna play a game: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T7BZ6bi3IbM&feature=channel
Barbie girl: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wwutQuHdyPY&feature=channel
Thanksgiving campaign: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zQwQkRc7bBU&feature=channel
The stalking Mangina preview: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lIokBmqq6A0&feature=channel_page

Don't go. Is it enough if I say this?

Was the wedding fun?

Did I say too much yesterday? I think I did. I'm sorry.

Do you hate me now?

I wonder if it is better to not have a heart. Without a heart, one would have no feelings. Without a heart, I would'nt feel anything. Why was I given a life? I ask you, what importance is there in our exsistence? We only take and take but never give. What is the reason behind being a human? If we are only going to be zombies in the rat race, I ask you, what point was there in giving us brain?

What point was there in making us human when I see so little compassion around me? To fight for glory, to fight for religion. I ask you, in the end what do we get? Is there no mercy even after seeing the body count rise continually? Blood from the innocent are being shed, but those who carry the power of jugdement are still living and brainwashing those who have no will of their own. Yet, they hold onto nuclear power. Is it necessary to create those weapons of mass destruction and destroy this place when in the end, those who die are the civilians? In the end, those who are sacrificed are those who hold no guns or nation in their hand.

I ask you, can you not see what has happened in history? Must it be repeated? Is the greed in human nature too hard to curb? Is there not enough pain and suffering in this world such that more has to be added on? Where has the guilt and remorse gone too? Do tears only seem like rain?

And so I ask you one more time, is it worth it?

Judgement comes in the form of a trigger.

Breathing doesn't equate to living.

I'm sick and tired of myself. Whats wrong with me? I know that its bad to procrastinate but I just can't seem to bring to myself to do my homework. Why must I always do this to myself? Why can't I learn from mistakes? Freakin teachers. They get to go on a freaking holiday while we still have to care about homework. Freakin hypocrites and sadists.

And now I'm feeling lonely for some stupid reason. Stupid brain. Why can't you think better.

Argh! I need to start doing my homework now so what am I doing! Stupid homework! It's just a piece of friggin paper and yet its controlling me like a puppet. Friggin paper. Burn like you are meant to. Why can't the teachers let me do what I want for once? I want to spend my holidays drawing and practicing my french horn and piano. Why must you all take away my freedom? Why is it that education only seems to take things away from me. Freakin system.

Do numbers mean more than a dream?

I'm flying off to Japan today(:

Anyway, although Musical Evening was on the 21 of November, I shall blog about it today.

Firstly, I was FORCED to tie french braids this time. My Sec 4 and JC seniors practically forced me into the chair. And it was so embarassing cause the other people in the dressing room were looking at me and I was screaming like crazy when they wanted to pin up my fringe. I was screaming things like " Somebody call the police" or I would just be screaming "AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!". Furthermore, one of my JC seniors wanted to take a picture of me screaming like a maniac.

Then after my section mate finished tying the french braids, I quickly ran out of the dressing room because my Sec 4 senior was coming at me with a pin to pin up my fringe. My Sec 4 senior even asked some of the juniors in band to catch me but luckily, they were all kind hearted enough to not catch me. Afterwards, I hid inside a toilet and then they were all saying things like " I want to pee!". As if I'll believe that lie I mean there were other cubicles. In conclusion, this incident taught me that it is important to be fit so that you can run away from danger. Ha ha.

Anyway, this was the funny part. I shall type the rest of it some other time.

Do you belive in a thing called heaven?I wish for it.

I have lost all reason to be here.

I'm dying this very minute but no one bothers. I'm rotting and becoming the living dead.

When you see me again, I may have already gone.

Do you get what I mean?

Shit. I'm on my own tomorrow. I am the only top 4 that will be in band tomorrow. I'm so dead. Dead I tell you. Seriously, I have never been fully in charge of the band before. And I was only in charge of music and whatnot. Dead dead dead dead dead dead dead.

I'm going to die tomorrow.

So they say.

Why am I always the one to blame?

Why am I always the one in the wrong? Why am I always the one that is deemed as the criminal and why is everyone else always the victim? What about me? What about what you have done? Do you not see the many times you have made me the victim? So why is it that it is always you who is victimized? Why am I always the only one that makes mistakes? What about you? Why is it that no matter where I go, I am always the one who is condemned?

Maybe I should just disappear from this world. Maybe I should just go somewhere else where I can feel that I am needed. I'm tired of being the convicted. I'm sick of always being pushed away especially by those that I treasure. Why? Am I so hateful? Am I not good enough? No matter how hard I try, it always seems as if everyone will hate me in the end.

Stop rejecting me. Stop it stop it stop it. Why did you give me hope only to keep me trapped in desolation? Stop putting all the blame on me. I don't want this. Please just stop this pain because it's crushing me. I can't help but cry.

If I don't have a name, do I still have an identity?

I feel as if I am trapped in my own little world and I don't know it.

And I hate that. I hate being ignorant. I hate not knowing. I hate this and I can't stand it. I try so hard to be updated about what is going on around me and I still feel that I am ignorant.

I mean I don't understand some of the terms they use in the stock market and I don't read every single thing that I see on the newspaper.

Freaking hell, I'm a moron! I'm a moron! God, whats wrong with my brain! I can't do anything right! I'm living in my own little world and I'm not trying! I'm a freakin idiot! There's nothing I'm good at! I'm not street smart! I'm not celver! I'm not musically inclined! I'm not mature! I'm not terribly creative!

I'M NOTHING! I'M A FREAKIN NOTHING!

Nevermind, don't mind me. I'm just an IMH escapee.

This delusion, its called life.

I'm waiting for a bus.
It's a bus that might never come.
But I lay in hope as I watch the trees die.

I'm waiting for history to come
But the pages have already faded
And the dreams have burned to ashes.

I'm waiting for forgiveness
But it turns away from me.
And keeps me locked in desperation.

I'm waiting for the song
But it has died as paper and ink,
Unmoving to the colourless feelings that fall.

I'm waiting.
And I'll keep waiting.
Even when I am only marked by a stone.

And I said, wait.
But you kept running.
And I said, no.
But you were gone by then.

I'm blogging again but it's just to put up some songs that I really like.

Theme of friendship:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IBldWt2gQcc&feature=related
Theme of rain:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OeLhhEfyjvQ&feature=related
Theme of laura:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F13fv_tDgeY&feature=channel
You and I:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=25i56AWtFqk&feature=related
Requim for a dream:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2-RIlD0l9xs&feature=related

Please listen to these songs, they are really nice. Anyway, these songs are all piano songs.

I can't help but feel an unbearable pain in my heart.

Do you know what I feel like doing now? I feel like running away and searching for a reason for my exsistence. I want to find my own wings and search for my place in this world. I want to stop living in the shadows of my parents.

For once, I want to be the one to choose where I want to go. Its not that I'm selfish, its just that I want my own freedom and a space to breath cause I feel like I am suffocating. I feel as if I can't breath anymore and right now, I am questioning why I was brought to this world. I was'nt supposed to be here. I am merely taking the place of someone else who would have been much better.

Why did I have to be born? Why did I have to be brought to this world? It was a mistake to bring me into this world. It was all a mistake. Maybe just maybe, if I was'nt here, things would have turned out differently.

What is happiness? That feeling seems so far and unattainable. I'm sick and tired of having to be the one to sacrifice. Think for a minute, who is the one bieng selfish now? Who is the one that is not thinking about the feelings of the other party?

I want to stop studying. Studying can't bring me freedom nor can it free me from the reality that bounds me. What am I working so hard for when you are just going to take it all away from me?

Why did you have to bring me into this world?

What dream was there to begin with?

I hate telling people about my problems. It makes me feel weak. It makes me feel like I am baring myself too much and I hate that feeling because whenever I bare myself too much, I always feel like other people will take advantage of me. I know that I am being paranoid but I can't stop this fear from manifesting in me.

Another reason why I don't really like to tell poeple about my troubles is because I feel that I am troubling them. I feel as if I am wasting their time and I always fear that people will get tired of me because of my constant complaints. I feel as if the more I say, the more I fall into the dark abyss.

But I can't stand it when I keep everything to myself. It feels as if those feelings are slowly eating away my heart and it is only when I tell someone else about my troubles do I feel a release from them. Whenever I keep everything to myself, I start to lose the will to continue and my smile fades away.

My heart is torn and I can't seem to mend it on my own but I'll try. I will work harder and try to heal my wounds but then again, wounds always leave scars and I can't seem to make the scars fade away. They stay on in my soul as reminder of all that has happened, telling me that history repeats itself.

Say, why is it raining when the sun is shining?
(Or is it just me?)

Take away my voice so that I may sing only for you.

I'm tired. No, not physically but mentally.

I'm tired of thinking so much and I'm tired of this void which persists. Please tell me, am I not good enough? Am I so unwanted that not even the isolated want me? Everyday, I walk around and I ask myself, why am I trying so hard? They say that it is easier not to hope but I can't stop myself from hoping.

Stop joking around with me and treating me so nicely when you don't even want to be near me. Stop lying to me. Stop being near me when in the end this is all a one-sided relationship. Please stop it. Am I so pathetic that I have to warrant such words from any of you? Where have I gone wrong? Can somebody please tell me? Why is it that in the end, I am left with nothing but memories and momentos?

Can't anyone hear me screaming? I'm calling out form the bottom of my heart yet no one can hear me. For once, let me be the one who is not in the wrong. Why must I always be the convicted and the sinner? Was it wrong of me to be born? Does my very exsistence only bring suffering and pain to those around me?

Why do I only hear silence?

And yet you have never once turned to look back at me.

Does that apply to me to?

It always amazes me as to how easily something can be broken. Take for example a relationship, it takes a long time to build a strong relationship and yet no matter how strong a relationship is, it only takes a few minutes to break the relationship.

Another example is the construction of buildings. It takes a few years of hardwork to build a building and yet in a few minutes or seconds, the building can be destroyed by a single atomic bomb or by an earthquake. The same can be said for a nation. It takes many years to build a nation and yet that peace and stability can be easily broken by the outbreak of war.

It also takes many years of effort to bring up a child and yet in a few mere seconds, that life can be taken away. In a few seconds, our happiness can be taken away. And in a few milliseconds we can lose all that was dear to us.

For one last time.

Don't think that you know everything about me.

Please shut up. What right do you have to say those words to me? There is a limit to the amount of insult I can take so don't step over that boundary. You are not the most pitiful person on the world and the thing is that I thought that you had changed a little but in the end you are still wallowing in self-pity. Seriously, be glad that you are'nt homeless. Furthermore, did you think that I would pity you just because you only get $5 a day? If you really want to save money so much, maybe you should stop buying food from Cheers every morning.

And stop saying that I am pampered because I am not. If I was pampered, I would'nt even give you a time of my life.

Anyway, I have something else to say to someone else:
Don't aplogise, there is no need to apologise. In the end, I am also responsible for what happened.

Blame hides the pain of the victims.

I'm bored and rotting away at home so I shall type a story.

There was no colour in her world. All around her, the world was grey. For her, life was meaningless as she had no freedom. She was locked and bound by the dreams of the people around her. Since the age of three, she had been living in the dreams of other people. There was no escape for her.

As she looked up into the skies, she reached up to grab the birds that were flying. She wanted those wings for herself but it was an unattainable goal. Her own wings had already died.

And yet, she was unable to cry. She was already numb from all the pain that she had felt. She knew that from the day that she was born, she was just a puppet.

It was all a lie. The love that her parents gave her when she fufilled their dreams and the hatred that they gave her when she failed. They neither loved her nor hated her for she was just a machine to them.

All those smiling faces from the friends around her were all fake. In the end, they had no love to give her and her heart remained empty.

One day, while she was crossing the road, she looked up and saw a bird that was as white as the snow. For the first time, she saw how blue the sky was and then it was all red.

Don't say goodbye.

Sometimes, I wonder if it would have been better if I could'nt hear anything.

If only I could close my ears to the voices around me for I am tired of hearing insults and lies. If I could'nt hear then I would'nt have to acknowledge them and I would be trapped in my own world and no one would bother about me. This way, it would be better for me and the people around me.

If I could'nt hear, then I would'nt have to bear the hurt that comes from the words of those around me. If I could'nt hear, no one would really talk to me and I would'nt hurt anyone. If I could'nt hear, then I would be able to stop talking altogether.

But if I was deaf, then I would'nt be able to hear music.
So I'll continue to hear because of music.

Let me go in your place for you would be sorely missed.
And I would be forgotten.

Why am I here.

If there was a name for sadness,it would be you.

Its E math and Literature paper 1 tomorrow.

Help. I'm dead I'm dead I'm dead I'm dead I'm dead I'm dead I'm dead I'm dead I'm dead I'm dead.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

As you can tell, I've gone crazy.

For once, let me close my eyes and dream.

Like rose petal flowers
It falls and dies
Silently, without a sound
And yet in unspoken words

Like the deep blue sea
It shrieks and cries
More and less, less and none
But the world is deaf

Like the frozen ice
Which cannot be thawed
Broken and cold
And ridden with scars

Lkie blood which killed
And sobered the knife
For hate runs deep
And grows in darkness

(What love is there?)

I seriously don't know why I can't seem to bring myself to study right now. Just what is wrong with me? I'm so sick of tired of not having the motivation to study. I mean, I can't even locate the root of my problem and I know that its not laziness. Maybe I have just lost the drive in life.

This story does'nt have me inside it. I'm just here because you are here. But your story has developed so fast that I have no choice but to leave you and return to my story which is barren and filled with despair. Now that I'm gone, would you miss me? Would you search for me and bring me back to your side again?

Your smile is so dazzling that everytime I see it, I feel like crying
Because I'm so far from you.

Sometimes, I wonder where everyone around me is going.

Everyone is such a coward. I mean in school, no one dares to fight for their own rights even when it is the teacher who is clearly in the wrong. There is this silent obedience that has been instilled in everyone such that no one dares to question whether the teacher is right or wrong. Everyone just nods their head in agreement and afterwards, they will just complain behind their back. Basically, everyone just suffers in silence.

I mean, take for example, sometimes, when the teachers give the students wrong information, the teacher will still blame the students for commiting a mistake when it is clearly the teacher who is in the wrong as he/she gave the wrong information. Its as if the teachers are trying to make it seem as if they can never be wrong and it is always the students fault.

Teachers also always ask students for respect when they don't even deserve it. If a teacher is not going to respect me, then why the hell should I give that teacher respect? Why the hell should I respect someone who looks down on me and never ever gives me a chance to question his/her actions?

The moon shines in sadness for the world that has regressed.
And the sun shines in vain to light the world once more.
(But the world takes no notice.)

So hurl the knives and let it bleed.
Take its laughter and seal its mouth.
Throw it aside and let it be the wall.
Leave it in the rain to let it spoil.

Let the snow cover up its exsistence.
And let the ice bite its esteem.
Watch it shatter to pieces
Lay waste to it and destroy its hope.

Slash it more and more.
Hurt it again and again
For it will never hate you
And only love you forever and ever.

Its just a doll after all.
Its just a doll that breaths.

The final breath.

What a bitch.

Today, a friend of mine actually told me that ____ clique actually bitched about me behind my back and you know what the stupid thing is? I actually changed my initial impression that ____ was a bitch but now, she is a 100% bitch. I mean what the fuck, I don't even want to be close to her and yet she keeps pushing herself onto me and I just can't reject her cause it seems kind of mean.

Man, this is so stupid. I mean I'm just living my life quietly and ____ and her bimbo clique just have to come and barge into my life. I mean please, if you all don't like me then stay away from me cause I don't like you all either. I mean just because I am usually very easy to push around, it does'nt mean that I will never get pissed.

Fucking hell, I wish I had never knew ____. I hate bitches and hypocrites like her. I hate her clique too. I mean her clique is so superficial and they are always so egoistic. Have they no humility at all?

This sucks, I wish to break my relationship with her but I don't know how to do it. And furthermore, she keeps thinking that I am having fun with her but actually, I am sometimes laughing out of politeness and she is damned wrong to think that she will ever be one of my close friends.

What an egoistic bitch.

Shattered.

I'm having Chemistry SPA tomorrow but I'm still slacking. Wow.

Anyway, I just have to say that these few days, I have been pretty pissed at someone apart from the school principal. And the sad thing is that that person is my friend. Sometimes, I wonder why I'm still friends with her and I realised that its because I can't seem to let her go. Its like no matter what happens, I still wish to have her as a friend and she is nice person at times but sometimes, she just pisses me off so much that I just feel like slapping her.

I mean seriously, she does'nt realise what she has and she just complains without thinking about the people around her. Just because someone always smiles in front of you, it does'nt freaking mean that her life is a bed of roses. Sometimes, I wonder why she was even able to be a leader and I guess its just because the world is biased.

I just want to say this to my friend: Wake up. This world does'nt hate you. You are the one who continuously closes poeple out of your world. You created this scenario and now you have to pay the price.

And so I'll pretend that the cold
embrace of the rain is you.

I have decided to have two blogs. One in blogger and another in LiveJournal.