I seem to have a problem of shelving all my thoughts away.

It used to be less frequent, but now 90% of my posts are unpublished. Somehow, I can't help rereading my posts and thinking how I have no right to say such words. I try to rephrase myself but I never can. Maybe the cracks within me are deeper than what I dare imagine.

Anyway, I shall try to write down an event from my life lest I forgot everything that embodies me.

I was Sec 3 at that time. My English teacher ordered us to prepare a topic to speak about. The topic would have to last 5-10 minutes. There were no restrictions on what the topic could be.

However, the fact that there were no restrictions made it harder for me. I couldn't help but wonder if the topics I wanted to speak of were too sensitive. I was afraid that my opinions would cause people to think of me as amoral. Alternatively, I could talk about myself but I hated the thought of exposing who I was in front of other 15 year old strangers.

The weeks went by and it was finally my turn to present. Others had spoke about their trips to other countries or ingrown nails. Yet, I talked about how I could not decide on a topic.

Till this day, I am still surprised at how well received my "speech" was received by the "judges". Of course, my teacher wasn't very amused haha..she even told me to prepare another topic (she forgot about it though). What's more surprising is how I had the courage to spout such nonsense.

There are many days where I can't wait to be financially stable. I can't wait to break free from these binds. At the point where I am financially stable, I will finally able to walk the path I want.

I hunger for this empowerment. I'm sick of my dependence. Sick of my weakness.

Imprisoned by the sickness.