Even the words "I love you" can be generic and meaningless.

I guess the biggest issue is with the word you. You could refer to anyone. I could be thinking of some other you while repeating these words to the you in front of me.

Despite saying these words, I am staring through you. It seems like these words are not that hard to say after all..

That's why it's not just the words that encompass the meaning, it's the body language as well. The conviction behind those words coupled with a slight desperation and fear of exposing the heart.

I just thought of this after reading some manga. It sparked certain feelings in me and I just had to type it out.

I read somewhere that tears are like water that doesn't know the sky.

Raindrops which are lost and ended up on the face.

I wonder if thinking of tears this way will make the pain less apparent. Because I'm not crying. This is just water that has forgotten its origin. So I'm not sad at all. I'm fine.

There are times when the pain gets so bad it feels as if it travels up and crushes my jaw. Even if I wanted to, I can't speak of my pain because every word spoken is punishing. All I can do is silently stare at the drops falling on the ground.

My mind goes blank, unable to process this pain.

"Shush. Don't speak of your pain."
"But it hurts."
"Then seal it in a box and forget about it. If you do so, it's existence ceases."
"What if I find the box?"
"Then you must never open it." 

Saying this will probably get me hated by some females but I've lost too much weight.

I hate being too thin cause I don't want to look like some undeveloped girl. I don't like the fact that my butt is almost non-existent now. It looks so bad when I wear shorts and stuff. Just not womanly at all..

The thing is that every time I feel stressed, I just lose my appetite and when I eat, there's this sickening feeling of emptiness in my stomach. No matter how much I stuff myself, I'm never truly full. This mentally induced emptiness makes me want to puke, though there's nothing to puke out.

My brain is moving like a block right now. I don't know how I sound. My sentence structure is probably degrading. Okay what the heck. I'm just like type type type..

I'm tired, but there's always stuff to do isn't there?

I'm annoyed. I really want to go on a holiday nowww :(

Been in a pretty weird mood lately. I feel frustrated for no reason? And when I'm frustrated, I get into a state of not being able to focus on my work. Okay, I actually know why I'm frustrated..I just feel as though the effort that I put in might mean nothing at all. I just feel so disheartened when I think of how some people seem to be able to get results without putting in much hard work.

I can't help but feel scared. What if all my hard work is for naught? Everyone says that its better to have put in your all than none at all but that's not enough for me. I really need the results. It's not an understatement. At this point, getting results is a necessity. And I feel as though I keep stumbling along this path of achieving results. In the first place, I don't even know if I've been running towards it. Or have I only been trudging along?

I don't know. It's really not the time for self-doubt now but I can't chase these annoying feelings away. 

The road has ended.

I stare at the path dumbfounded.

I can't understand it. Am I dreaming? Is that why the road has ended? Have I come to the end of my dreams? If so, why can't I wake up.

No matter how many times I shut and open my eyes, the scene doesn't change.

Hysteria rises inside of me.

Thinking that I am the Shepard, I strove to lead the way.
In truth, I am merely a lost sheep.

In the dark of the night, he sneaks a peek from the corners of his eyes. He measures each breath, making sure that he carries the rhythms of the shadows. The soft moonlight falls over his love's bare skin. That lovely skin gently caressed by sheets that could never compare to his love's purity.

Even in the shadows, he ensures that his gaze never lingers. If he lingers, his love may awake from that sweet slumber which so escapes him. Ah if only he could move in closer. Just a bit more and he could leave his fingerprints on that canvas of white. Just a bit more and he could break the fragile boundary he created.

Oh why does his love torment him so? Those lips that tremble slightly with which intake and release. If only he could take those lips as his own. Yes his own. Why is his love not his own when there is a gaping hole where his heart once was. Was it not enough to give all of him?

The moonlight turns from shades of silvery grey into the beginnings of sunrise. Sensing the change, he slips out, taking with him the tears which can never fall.

Only in the darkness can he safely peek, knowing that his love roams in realms he cannot reach.

I can feel it,
The hot gaze which shakes in fear.
Shall I tempt you more?
Oh yes, if only I could make you twist in never ending misery.
This pleasure runs like heroin up my arm. 

There's a lonely toilet roll stuck at the back of my loo.
The roll and I share a fact, and that's how it fell into those depths
I should have picked it up I know, but the roll avoids my outstretched palm.
Now one might say its laziness, though I call it postponement.

Just a poem I thought of when I was in Australia. I was too free haha. 

The voices get louder and louder. The argument escalates into a competition of screams and neither party even knows what they are saying. Does it even matter? In the midst of anger, words don't mean a thing. All each party wants is to throw fuel into the blazing fire. Accommodating each other gets turned into the idea of putting up with one another instead.

Putting up. These two words can make anyone feel like a burden once these words slip out. Its the same words people use when they describe how they deal with constant pain in their body.

The frustration of not getting through turns into tears and a game of self-blame. Each one is a victim and each one is the tormentor.

Caught in the crossfires of hate, I searched for you. Who is this you I search for?

My heart searches and my brain goes in another direction. 

The bullets and bombs rain down, increasing the sense of confusion. At this time, I see you. But is it the you I truly want?

As I run towards you, I see you out of the corner of my eye. I stop, seized in indecisiveness. Which way? Which one? Should I turn back? Or should I just stand here and destroy my utter structure.

You and you stare at me.

Hurt and abject stares which causes my heart to twist and tear.

The one who monopolises ends up alone.
I know. I know it all too well.

It's like the rest of the world is looking for part time jobs, going for exchanges or participating in research programmes during the summer holiday while I'm the only one slacking.

Gosh! Everyone needs to chill! Is it such a sin to relax and finally indulge in hobbies? Why does my holiday have to be filled with work too?!

Blah blah blah. I'm sure people are saying that slacking makes you a pig. So what? Pigs are wonderful creatures! Imagine a world without pigs. The term lazy might not have been invented (Okay so maybe there's the sloth and turtles etc. but somehow people still associate pigs with laziness. It must be cause pigs are fat er I mean round and healthy..)

Despite saying all this, I still feel like I'm being left behind.

There must be someone out there that isn't doing anything...

Hm I don't know how to resize the videos:(

I've been listening to lots club/dance music recently. It just feels nice to abandon my mind sometimes and sink into something else.

My current favourites are:

Fade into Darkness by Avicii


I like the ending of the video. My personal take on the video is that the girl can't stand to live in the light the guy gives. She slowly fades into darkness and destroys the final light.

There are some who live in the light and others who can only live in darkness. The darkness conceals and distorts and maybe only through this way can they see themselves as human again.

Just one last time by David Getta


I like the part when the guy crushes through the walls. I wonder if it's even possible though. This is true romance to me I guess. Wordless and more passionate than any vows or promises, a desire that grips the heart.

Anyway, there's this really funny video, you should watch it.

I could be the one by Avicii vs Nicky Romero

I'm not sure if other people can appreciate the humour though. Some people just like to act too naive and innocent. It's really annoying.

I decided to do the test for fun. No harm knowing more about myself and testing its accuracy haha.

Your view on yourself:

Other people find you very interesting, but you are really hiding your true self. Your friends love you because you are a good listener. They'll probably still love you if you learn to be yourself with them.

The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for:

You are a true romantic. When you are in love, you will do anything and everything to keep your love true.

Your readiness to commit to a relationship:

You are ready to commit as soon as you meet the right person. And you believe you will pretty much know as soon as you might that person.

The seriousness of your love:

You are very serious about relationships and aren't interested in wasting time with people you don't really like. If you meet the right person, you will fall deeply and beautifully in love.

Your views on education

Education is very important in life. You want to study hard and learn as much as you can.

The right job for you:

You have many goals and want to achieve as much as you can. The jobs you enjoy are those that let you burn off your considerable excess energy.

How do you view success:

You are afraid of failure and scared to have a go at the career you would like to have in case you don't succeed. Don't give up when you haven't yet even started! Be courageous.

What are you most afraid of:

You are afraid of having no one to rely on in times of trouble. You don't ever want to be unable to take care of yourself. Independence is important to you.

Who is your true self:

You are full of energy and confidence. You are unpredictable, with moods changing as quickly as an ocean. You might occasionally be calm and still, but never for long.

And me being me, I decided to tweak the answers a bit to see how much the results would change:


Your view on yourself:
Other people find you very interesting, but you are really hiding your true self. Your friends love you because you are a good listener. They'll probably still love you if you learn to be yourself with them.The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for:
You are not looking merely for a girl/boyfriend - you are looking for your life partner. Perhaps you should be more open-minded about who you spend time with. The person you are looking for might hide their charm under their exterior.Your readiness to commit to a relationship:
You prefer to get to know a person very well before deciding whether you will commit to the relationship.The seriousness of your love:
You are very serious about relationships and aren't interested in wasting time with people you don't really like. If you meet the right person, you will fall deeply and beautifully in love.Your views on education
Education is very important in life. You want to study hard and learn as much as you can.The right job for you:
You have plenty of dream jobs but have little chance of doing any of them if you don't focus on something in particular. You need to choose something and go for it to be happy and achieve success.How do you view success:
You are afraid of failure and scared to have a go at the career you would like to have in case you don't succeed. Don't give up when you haven't yet even started! Be courageous.What are you most afraid of:
You are afraid of having no one to rely on in times of trouble. You don't ever want to be unable to take care of yourself. Independence is important to you.Who is your true self:
You are mature, reasonable, honest and give good advice. People ask for your comments on all sorts of different issues. Sometimes you might find yourself in a dilemma when trapped with a problem, which your heart rather than your head needs to solve.

Well the first one seems more accurate to me. Although the readiness to commit seems debatable.

Anyway, for any interested bypassers, here's the link: http://www.quizbox.com/personality/test82.aspx

I seem to never fully remove myself from despair. Even though I've told myself to be positive, this despair taunts me and question why I even choose to be breathing.

I feel like I'm a shell. There is nothing substantial inside of me. Maybe that's why I'm always left behind. I really wonder what those people on Facebook do to have so many likes. What do they do that makes their life seem so exciting? What is it that they have as a human which attracts others to them?

Why can't I be one of those smiling silly idiots on Facebook?

I'm starting to question if I'm even taking the right course. Because if I am, why do I feel so empty inside?

There are days when I wish to reject everything around me. I just want to destroy this normalcy that we have created because this normalcy doesn't apply to me. I always feel different from others. I feel as though I'm lost in translation. It's as if everyone else on the planet has a common notice board except me. Sometimes, I don't even know if this me is an existence I have created myself or something molded by others.

People who have many friends always say how tiring it is but such people have never known what it is to be truly alone. It's as if you're stuck on another planet and no matter how much you scream, no one heeds you.

I plead for him to take me where he is
and return this life to another.

What if I said that my feelings have never changed?

Would you run from me? Or brush away these emotions?

Or would you give me a look of disappointment for pulling the skeletons out of the closet?

No matter your response, I only know that I am sorry.

Desperate whispers burn at the back of my throat. 

So yea my previous post might have offended any geniuses that came here to lower their IQ. Rest assured geniuses, I'm not talking about all of you, I'm talking about the really screwed up ones (Insert a mandatory big smiley here).

Okay I've decided to do a different style of posting. I'm just gonna post any crap that comes to my mind. Everything's gonna be uncensored. I'm going to be so frank. Yea no hidden messages and stuff. And when I mean uncensored, I mean there's gonna be SWEAR WORDS IN BIG CAPS. Okay so maybe not. But there may be some occasionally.

I don't know why I wanted to do this, but I just felt like it. Screw being all smarty assed! Yea sue me for being mad. I can't be bothered hahaha.

So the thing I wanted to talk about today is how I always censor my messages to other people. I'm always thinking to myself if I added too many hahas or not enough smileys. And it's darn annoying. Like I probably decided this "wonderful" habit in response to people saying that I'm too formal in my smses. In the past, I was extremely formal even to my friends cause I didn't want them to think I'm stepping over the line.

See if you're over familiar, the person will be like: "What a creep!" but by being so formal, people probably thought the same thing too. Sob..

Yea so I changed for the better because I realised that the internet is a cold, unfeeling place that will make all your messages seem robotic. Hence, there's a need to add emoticons that although normal humans do not carry such emotions! Unless you have a rubbery face I guess.

But what the heck man! Even after changing, I still deliberate pretty long over my messages sometimes. Like I'm always worrying that I'm not sincere enough or I'm too cold or I'm being plain stupid or annoying or crazy or stupid or argh.

You know what? To all those who find my questions annoying, you can go and suck my imaginary @#$%%^! Please feel free to insert any words. I would prefer ice cream and I'm talking about real ice cream. Not some innuendo.

Okay so back to the point. I'm tired of treating messaging like it's some complicated Math problem. I just want to be me; a random lunatic that will probably stab you if I had the chance. Muahaha! No but seriously, it's tiring to always be on my toes. I always read too much into people's messages. When the reply is too short, I'll think: "OH NO! I MUST HAVE ANNOYED THE PERSON D;!" or "I DON'T DESERVE TO STEAL THEIR PRECIOUS TIME! I WILL SHUT UP NOW!"

Well, this was an extremely different blog post. 

Hooray another year for me to age and realise that time is passing by too fast.

No resolutions. Only the hope to be more positive.

Anyway, I went to a gathering yesterday and there was this 13 year old girl sitting in a corner using her ipad. She didn't even take a bite of the wonderful food in front of her. And lets just say that her face was comparable to a stormy night.

Apparently, this girl is a genius. Like a real genius. So I heard that she doesn't talk to her parents, but only talks to her genius friends in her genius class.

She sure sounds like a lovely girl.

My whole point about this story is how parents tend to feel that having a genius kid is like having heaven in your backyard? Yea or something similar to that. You get what I mean haha...So due to this mindset, many of them keep gushing about their kid to other parents. They exalt the kid, make the kid's ego swell, make the kid feel like the chosen saviour or some crap like that. Then bam! They realise the kid's socially awkward. The kid can't survive in society for all the brains he or she has.

Okay so there isn't really a clear point here but it's hard to explain.