I went to Facebook a moment ago and found the CCA president indirectly bragging about his results.

Someone should give him a tight slap.

Sometimes I think that blood ties are a burden. You probably think that I'm a bastard for having such a thought but I have my reasons.

It's so fustrating to hear you lamenting about how I don't talk as much to you compared to the past. The past is the past and we should live for the future. I just can't be that kid anymore so please stop asking the impossible from me.

Distance is not the problem. In the first place, the problem which you speak of was just fabricated by your own paranoia. It's ridiculous when you say that I forgot that you even exist. Seriously, how can I forget someone who guided me through my growing years? How can I forget someone who put in so much effort to nurture me?

No matter what, I won't go over. I'm just not ready to let go yet. I wish that you would be a little more understanding. At times, your like a bull, rushing headlong at a harmless piece of red cloth.

Anyway, I got back my results today. I asked myself what I have been doing.

So lets break the tension and end this farce.

Sometimes it scares me at how much space you have in my heart.

Today, when others said that I don't match you, my mood immediately plummeted to the pits. I almost felt like crying, but I guess I don't have the right to cry. After all, it was my own fault for thinking that I had a chance. So won't someone slap me and stop me from falling any deeper?

I wonder if I have been cursed. I think it was a mistake that I was born with this gender. Everyday, I live this life of being stuck in between. It's painful when you know your gender but people say otherwise. This confusion causes me to doubt my true identity. Sometimes, I wonder if life wouldn't be so awful if I was the opposite gender. If I was the opposite gender, I could be friends with you at the least.

Despair.

These feelings weigh on my heart like a punishment for giving my all to you.

So why do I foolishly gaze after you, knowing that your eyes are searching for another.

And tonight I will lay in bed thinking of you yet again.

This numbing sensation plunges me into temporary relief.

The pimples on my forehead are popping out with no restraint whatsoever.

Feeling like crap right now. There's too little time.

I don't want to screw up.