I feel as if I am trapped in my own little world and I don't know it.

And I hate that. I hate being ignorant. I hate not knowing. I hate this and I can't stand it. I try so hard to be updated about what is going on around me and I still feel that I am ignorant.

I mean I don't understand some of the terms they use in the stock market and I don't read every single thing that I see on the newspaper.

Freaking hell, I'm a moron! I'm a moron! God, whats wrong with my brain! I can't do anything right! I'm living in my own little world and I'm not trying! I'm a freakin idiot! There's nothing I'm good at! I'm not street smart! I'm not celver! I'm not musically inclined! I'm not mature! I'm not terribly creative!

I'M NOTHING! I'M A FREAKIN NOTHING!

Nevermind, don't mind me. I'm just an IMH escapee.

This delusion, its called life.

I'm waiting for a bus.
It's a bus that might never come.
But I lay in hope as I watch the trees die.

I'm waiting for history to come
But the pages have already faded
And the dreams have burned to ashes.

I'm waiting for forgiveness
But it turns away from me.
And keeps me locked in desperation.

I'm waiting for the song
But it has died as paper and ink,
Unmoving to the colourless feelings that fall.

I'm waiting.
And I'll keep waiting.
Even when I am only marked by a stone.

And I said, wait.
But you kept running.
And I said, no.
But you were gone by then.

I'm blogging again but it's just to put up some songs that I really like.

Theme of friendship:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IBldWt2gQcc&feature=related
Theme of rain:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OeLhhEfyjvQ&feature=related
Theme of laura:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F13fv_tDgeY&feature=channel
You and I:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=25i56AWtFqk&feature=related
Requim for a dream:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2-RIlD0l9xs&feature=related

Please listen to these songs, they are really nice. Anyway, these songs are all piano songs.

I can't help but feel an unbearable pain in my heart.

Do you know what I feel like doing now? I feel like running away and searching for a reason for my exsistence. I want to find my own wings and search for my place in this world. I want to stop living in the shadows of my parents.

For once, I want to be the one to choose where I want to go. Its not that I'm selfish, its just that I want my own freedom and a space to breath cause I feel like I am suffocating. I feel as if I can't breath anymore and right now, I am questioning why I was brought to this world. I was'nt supposed to be here. I am merely taking the place of someone else who would have been much better.

Why did I have to be born? Why did I have to be brought to this world? It was a mistake to bring me into this world. It was all a mistake. Maybe just maybe, if I was'nt here, things would have turned out differently.

What is happiness? That feeling seems so far and unattainable. I'm sick and tired of having to be the one to sacrifice. Think for a minute, who is the one bieng selfish now? Who is the one that is not thinking about the feelings of the other party?

I want to stop studying. Studying can't bring me freedom nor can it free me from the reality that bounds me. What am I working so hard for when you are just going to take it all away from me?

Why did you have to bring me into this world?

What dream was there to begin with?

I hate telling people about my problems. It makes me feel weak. It makes me feel like I am baring myself too much and I hate that feeling because whenever I bare myself too much, I always feel like other people will take advantage of me. I know that I am being paranoid but I can't stop this fear from manifesting in me.

Another reason why I don't really like to tell poeple about my troubles is because I feel that I am troubling them. I feel as if I am wasting their time and I always fear that people will get tired of me because of my constant complaints. I feel as if the more I say, the more I fall into the dark abyss.

But I can't stand it when I keep everything to myself. It feels as if those feelings are slowly eating away my heart and it is only when I tell someone else about my troubles do I feel a release from them. Whenever I keep everything to myself, I start to lose the will to continue and my smile fades away.

My heart is torn and I can't seem to mend it on my own but I'll try. I will work harder and try to heal my wounds but then again, wounds always leave scars and I can't seem to make the scars fade away. They stay on in my soul as reminder of all that has happened, telling me that history repeats itself.

Say, why is it raining when the sun is shining?
(Or is it just me?)

Take away my voice so that I may sing only for you.

I'm tired. No, not physically but mentally.

I'm tired of thinking so much and I'm tired of this void which persists. Please tell me, am I not good enough? Am I so unwanted that not even the isolated want me? Everyday, I walk around and I ask myself, why am I trying so hard? They say that it is easier not to hope but I can't stop myself from hoping.

Stop joking around with me and treating me so nicely when you don't even want to be near me. Stop lying to me. Stop being near me when in the end this is all a one-sided relationship. Please stop it. Am I so pathetic that I have to warrant such words from any of you? Where have I gone wrong? Can somebody please tell me? Why is it that in the end, I am left with nothing but memories and momentos?

Can't anyone hear me screaming? I'm calling out form the bottom of my heart yet no one can hear me. For once, let me be the one who is not in the wrong. Why must I always be the convicted and the sinner? Was it wrong of me to be born? Does my very exsistence only bring suffering and pain to those around me?

Why do I only hear silence?

And yet you have never once turned to look back at me.

Does that apply to me to?

It always amazes me as to how easily something can be broken. Take for example a relationship, it takes a long time to build a strong relationship and yet no matter how strong a relationship is, it only takes a few minutes to break the relationship.

Another example is the construction of buildings. It takes a few years of hardwork to build a building and yet in a few minutes or seconds, the building can be destroyed by a single atomic bomb or by an earthquake. The same can be said for a nation. It takes many years to build a nation and yet that peace and stability can be easily broken by the outbreak of war.

It also takes many years of effort to bring up a child and yet in a few mere seconds, that life can be taken away. In a few seconds, our happiness can be taken away. And in a few milliseconds we can lose all that was dear to us.

For one last time.