Caught in the crossfires of hate, I searched for you. Who is this you I search for?

My heart searches and my brain goes in another direction. 

The bullets and bombs rain down, increasing the sense of confusion. At this time, I see you. But is it the you I truly want?

As I run towards you, I see you out of the corner of my eye. I stop, seized in indecisiveness. Which way? Which one? Should I turn back? Or should I just stand here and destroy my utter structure.

You and you stare at me.

Hurt and abject stares which causes my heart to twist and tear.

The one who monopolises ends up alone.
I know. I know it all too well.

It's like the rest of the world is looking for part time jobs, going for exchanges or participating in research programmes during the summer holiday while I'm the only one slacking.

Gosh! Everyone needs to chill! Is it such a sin to relax and finally indulge in hobbies? Why does my holiday have to be filled with work too?!

Blah blah blah. I'm sure people are saying that slacking makes you a pig. So what? Pigs are wonderful creatures! Imagine a world without pigs. The term lazy might not have been invented (Okay so maybe there's the sloth and turtles etc. but somehow people still associate pigs with laziness. It must be cause pigs are fat er I mean round and healthy..)

Despite saying all this, I still feel like I'm being left behind.

There must be someone out there that isn't doing anything...

Hm I don't know how to resize the videos:(

I've been listening to lots club/dance music recently. It just feels nice to abandon my mind sometimes and sink into something else.

My current favourites are:

Fade into Darkness by Avicii


I like the ending of the video. My personal take on the video is that the girl can't stand to live in the light the guy gives. She slowly fades into darkness and destroys the final light.

There are some who live in the light and others who can only live in darkness. The darkness conceals and distorts and maybe only through this way can they see themselves as human again.

Just one last time by David Getta


I like the part when the guy crushes through the walls. I wonder if it's even possible though. This is true romance to me I guess. Wordless and more passionate than any vows or promises, a desire that grips the heart.

Anyway, there's this really funny video, you should watch it.

I could be the one by Avicii vs Nicky Romero

I'm not sure if other people can appreciate the humour though. Some people just like to act too naive and innocent. It's really annoying.

I decided to do the test for fun. No harm knowing more about myself and testing its accuracy haha.

Your view on yourself:

Other people find you very interesting, but you are really hiding your true self. Your friends love you because you are a good listener. They'll probably still love you if you learn to be yourself with them.

The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for:

You are a true romantic. When you are in love, you will do anything and everything to keep your love true.

Your readiness to commit to a relationship:

You are ready to commit as soon as you meet the right person. And you believe you will pretty much know as soon as you might that person.

The seriousness of your love:

You are very serious about relationships and aren't interested in wasting time with people you don't really like. If you meet the right person, you will fall deeply and beautifully in love.

Your views on education

Education is very important in life. You want to study hard and learn as much as you can.

The right job for you:

You have many goals and want to achieve as much as you can. The jobs you enjoy are those that let you burn off your considerable excess energy.

How do you view success:

You are afraid of failure and scared to have a go at the career you would like to have in case you don't succeed. Don't give up when you haven't yet even started! Be courageous.

What are you most afraid of:

You are afraid of having no one to rely on in times of trouble. You don't ever want to be unable to take care of yourself. Independence is important to you.

Who is your true self:

You are full of energy and confidence. You are unpredictable, with moods changing as quickly as an ocean. You might occasionally be calm and still, but never for long.

And me being me, I decided to tweak the answers a bit to see how much the results would change:


Your view on yourself:
Other people find you very interesting, but you are really hiding your true self. Your friends love you because you are a good listener. They'll probably still love you if you learn to be yourself with them.The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for:
You are not looking merely for a girl/boyfriend - you are looking for your life partner. Perhaps you should be more open-minded about who you spend time with. The person you are looking for might hide their charm under their exterior.Your readiness to commit to a relationship:
You prefer to get to know a person very well before deciding whether you will commit to the relationship.The seriousness of your love:
You are very serious about relationships and aren't interested in wasting time with people you don't really like. If you meet the right person, you will fall deeply and beautifully in love.Your views on education
Education is very important in life. You want to study hard and learn as much as you can.The right job for you:
You have plenty of dream jobs but have little chance of doing any of them if you don't focus on something in particular. You need to choose something and go for it to be happy and achieve success.How do you view success:
You are afraid of failure and scared to have a go at the career you would like to have in case you don't succeed. Don't give up when you haven't yet even started! Be courageous.What are you most afraid of:
You are afraid of having no one to rely on in times of trouble. You don't ever want to be unable to take care of yourself. Independence is important to you.Who is your true self:
You are mature, reasonable, honest and give good advice. People ask for your comments on all sorts of different issues. Sometimes you might find yourself in a dilemma when trapped with a problem, which your heart rather than your head needs to solve.

Well the first one seems more accurate to me. Although the readiness to commit seems debatable.

Anyway, for any interested bypassers, here's the link: http://www.quizbox.com/personality/test82.aspx

I seem to never fully remove myself from despair. Even though I've told myself to be positive, this despair taunts me and question why I even choose to be breathing.

I feel like I'm a shell. There is nothing substantial inside of me. Maybe that's why I'm always left behind. I really wonder what those people on Facebook do to have so many likes. What do they do that makes their life seem so exciting? What is it that they have as a human which attracts others to them?

Why can't I be one of those smiling silly idiots on Facebook?

I'm starting to question if I'm even taking the right course. Because if I am, why do I feel so empty inside?

There are days when I wish to reject everything around me. I just want to destroy this normalcy that we have created because this normalcy doesn't apply to me. I always feel different from others. I feel as though I'm lost in translation. It's as if everyone else on the planet has a common notice board except me. Sometimes, I don't even know if this me is an existence I have created myself or something molded by others.

People who have many friends always say how tiring it is but such people have never known what it is to be truly alone. It's as if you're stuck on another planet and no matter how much you scream, no one heeds you.

I plead for him to take me where he is
and return this life to another.

What if I said that my feelings have never changed?

Would you run from me? Or brush away these emotions?

Or would you give me a look of disappointment for pulling the skeletons out of the closet?

No matter your response, I only know that I am sorry.

Desperate whispers burn at the back of my throat.