It's time to buck up. I can't go on living like this. It's time to find an aim in life and put in my all. I have to leave it all behind and get on with life.

I need to live.

But I'm dying and slipping out of the rat race. I'm falling and failing. Badly.

I have lost all of the confidence that took so long to accquire. Now it's all gone. Just like that. I don't have the confidence to score well anymore. I'm plagued by my past glories and bleak future.

One day, a friend asked me:

"Do you have depression?"

I wonder. Maybe I should go and take a medical examination.

Requiem for the soul.

I actually wrote this on Friday but I didn't publish it cause the post just felt so ridiculous afterwards. But yea, here it is. I'll probably remove it someother time. Or maybe not. It depends.

I have a whole bunch of tests next week. So what am i still doing here?

I firggin condemn myself.

I know that I'll probably regret saying this but don't give me birthday presents anymore. Unless you truly view me as an important part of your life. Otherwise, don't waste your money. Don't give me gifts just because you think that you are obliged to do so. Don't give me gifts thinking that it's going to warrant my charity for you. Cause it doesn't work that way. Please. I don't want any of you to feel regretful when you buy a present for me.

What is there to celebrate about my birthday? I'm just a nobody who's going to die many years later and leave behind no stain in history. Save your money to buy presents for other people cause their more important. I'm not important. I never was. Not to you. Not to her.

I remember that there was one time I told my section that if I ever found out that I had cancer, I would probably only let my family know. It's not worth it to tell other people cause they're not going to care and they will most likely forget about me once they start families of their own. In the end, I would have to fight it on my own.

Damn it. Why am I even writing this? What shit does it mean to people? Lord save humanity. This race of beings that have no empathy.

Redemption at the cost of loyalty.

Looks like I have been forgotten by you.

Sometimes, I wonder to myself if it was all a dream? And yet the reality crushes me in this state of detachment.

(Deleted)

It's time to forget what we had
for there is nothing left.

I saw Sky at the MRT station yesterday. It really surprised me. Her hairstyle is still quite similar to what she had in the past. I think that she was with her girlfriend.

Random fact:
I was writing testimonials yesterday night when I almost fell asleep so I decided to switch from classical music to Enimem. I don't know if it will have much of an effect though.

Zzzzz...

Today:

I have decided to be random and list the movies that I want to watch although I know that no one will bother to read it. Ha ha.

1) The Kite runner
2) The Dark Knight
3) The Reader
4) Brokeback Mountain
5) No Country for Old Men
6) Away from her
7) Valkyrie(tentative)
8) Milk

That's all I can think of for now. My head is spinning so I think that I should go to sleep now.I yearn for what I cannot have.

The stupidity of it all.

How much of the truth can you take before you break?

I never realised how petty she was. Until now. I never thought that things would come to this point and yet it has. It's best that we just live our seperate lives for I might just anger you again.

You've changed. So much. You used to be more hardworking and it was so much nicer to talk to you. But now, you just push the blame to me. It's as if you are scared of the responsibility. But in the end, I am the one who gets scolded not you. So why can't you understand my situation?

After all, I am the section leader and in the end, no matter what happens, I still have to take responsibilty. Sometimes, I wish to shout in your face. Just so that you will listen to me for once. But I respect you so I don't do that.

Am I the one who is being persistent now? Am I the one who walks away when something arises? Please think about you for once. Who is the one that has been apologising for what has happened?

In the end, I still give into you. For your pride is just too much. What use is there for an ego when it only brings about unhappiness?

I'm sorry for hurting you before. But are you?

Isn't that pig you?

Merry Christmas Mr Lawrence: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YwkuS9FlB7M

And here I am again,
Square one.

I'm not good enough.

I feel like I've been doing everything wrong up till now. And now, SYF is 1 month away. But all I can feel in my heart is despair. At the rate the band is going now, we can only get a sliver. And I'm not the one who said this. It was the conductor.

SYF is just one month away but we still sound like a total mess. Especially my section. Instead of improving. My section has been becoming worse ever since the seniors stepped down. The unity of the section, the standard of the section and the attitude of the section have all been going downhill since the seniors stepped down.

And I feel like I'm the only one fighting. But it's not enough. One person cannot fight for 5 people. It just won't work. To a certain extent, it is my fault because I'm not strict enough. I don't scold them enough nor do I express myself when I am angry. And look what has happened now? The section sounds like a piece of junk metal.

I feel so sad. I have destroyed the section which my seniors worked so hard for. I have disappointed everyone including myself. And the worst thing is that in the past, the french horn section used to be one of the strongest section but now, it's one of the most problematic section.

This despair, can it turn to hope?

It's time to start.

"It's been a long time coming."

I'm tired. I have a Physics test tomorrow. All the best. Ha.

She gets all the recognition. While I get all the blame.

Stop rubbing in your results in my face you arsehole. If you are so smart, why don't you go to Harvard University now? If you can score without listening to lessons, why don't you just quit school? I'm serious. Isn't it sad that a genius like you has to come to this crappy school? Why don't you just go and find a job in a research laboratory and earn big bucks now? I bet that you will surely win the noble prize man.

F*** you.

Salvation.