I try to stop the feeling from welling up. My vision blurs and all I can think about is the rising sensation.

The sensation culminates in a dry heave.

I shudder, wondering if this sensation is a rejection of my being.

The echoes of darkness close in.

If one is to give false hope, then remember to hide the void behind.
For the baited would be swallowed by this vacuum of despair once they see the truth.

Back in this little space of mine, I share a whisper which trembles and breaks in to tears. The words I say jumble and tangle with each other. In this chaotic sprawl, can you see the melancholy that binds it all in a fragile demeanour?

I wonder when is it that I started viewing love as a disease. It has become an emotion that I loathe and wish to cleanse from my system. No matter how many times I try to cure myself, I will always be the diseased. The faster I run, the more vehemently the disease hits back at me. I scream hoping to get it out of my system but it's all futile. Fate only taunts at this pathetic human emotion of mine.

Searching in the abyss for a piece that I've lost,
I know the futility of my actions for this abyss is a piece of me.
Painfully aware, I continue to dig deeper into the abyss.
So deep that I wonder if I'll ever remember what I was searching for.

I'm sick of living in fear waiting for the next argument to occur again. If this is marriage then why do we put ourselves through this tiresome battle.

I hate acting as a go between, feeling a sickening feeling in my stomach as even chaos runs amok. Even if I used logic, emotions are not quelled. People believe the truth they have crafted and nothing else. All we see are ourselves as the hurt one.

The fear during the calm before the storm is one I know all too well. I used to prick my ears at the sound of every escalation in volume as a kid. I would then warily peek out from the door and survey the situation. I could only relax when I was sure that it wasn't an argument but merely an exclamation at some tv show.

I can't even type this post properly without my vision getting blurred.

A battle of losers. 

Even the words "I love you" can be generic and meaningless.

I guess the biggest issue is with the word you. You could refer to anyone. I could be thinking of some other you while repeating these words to the you in front of me.

Despite saying these words, I am staring through you. It seems like these words are not that hard to say after all..

That's why it's not just the words that encompass the meaning, it's the body language as well. The conviction behind those words coupled with a slight desperation and fear of exposing the heart.

I just thought of this after reading some manga. It sparked certain feelings in me and I just had to type it out.

I read somewhere that tears are like water that doesn't know the sky.

Raindrops which are lost and ended up on the face.

I wonder if thinking of tears this way will make the pain less apparent. Because I'm not crying. This is just water that has forgotten its origin. So I'm not sad at all. I'm fine.

There are times when the pain gets so bad it feels as if it travels up and crushes my jaw. Even if I wanted to, I can't speak of my pain because every word spoken is punishing. All I can do is silently stare at the drops falling on the ground.

My mind goes blank, unable to process this pain.

"Shush. Don't speak of your pain."
"But it hurts."
"Then seal it in a box and forget about it. If you do so, it's existence ceases."
"What if I find the box?"
"Then you must never open it." 

Saying this will probably get me hated by some females but I've lost too much weight.

I hate being too thin cause I don't want to look like some undeveloped girl. I don't like the fact that my butt is almost non-existent now. It looks so bad when I wear shorts and stuff. Just not womanly at all..

The thing is that every time I feel stressed, I just lose my appetite and when I eat, there's this sickening feeling of emptiness in my stomach. No matter how much I stuff myself, I'm never truly full. This mentally induced emptiness makes me want to puke, though there's nothing to puke out.

My brain is moving like a block right now. I don't know how I sound. My sentence structure is probably degrading. Okay what the heck. I'm just like type type type..

I'm tired, but there's always stuff to do isn't there?

I'm annoyed. I really want to go on a holiday nowww :(

Been in a pretty weird mood lately. I feel frustrated for no reason? And when I'm frustrated, I get into a state of not being able to focus on my work. Okay, I actually know why I'm frustrated..I just feel as though the effort that I put in might mean nothing at all. I just feel so disheartened when I think of how some people seem to be able to get results without putting in much hard work.

I can't help but feel scared. What if all my hard work is for naught? Everyone says that its better to have put in your all than none at all but that's not enough for me. I really need the results. It's not an understatement. At this point, getting results is a necessity. And I feel as though I keep stumbling along this path of achieving results. In the first place, I don't even know if I've been running towards it. Or have I only been trudging along?

I don't know. It's really not the time for self-doubt now but I can't chase these annoying feelings away.