I feel empty.

I don't even dare to open my eyes to assess the damage I've created. It's too blinding, this idiocy.

You said that you were tired of reading depressing posts in my blog, but this is all I can offer. I've been trying so hard to make things here happier. Yet just like Dark City, the sun never shines here. I am ensnared by darkness.

One who lives in light does not know of darkness and the despair light shines. People always say that they empathise or understand, but in reality, we never do. And in our selfishness, we force those in darkness to burn in the light. For though we understand, we can never comprehend.

"So I learned to smile with hate ingrained in my bones."

I seem to have a problem of shelving all my thoughts away.

It used to be less frequent, but now 90% of my posts are unpublished. Somehow, I can't help rereading my posts and thinking how I have no right to say such words. I try to rephrase myself but I never can. Maybe the cracks within me are deeper than what I dare imagine.

Anyway, I shall try to write down an event from my life lest I forgot everything that embodies me.

I was Sec 3 at that time. My English teacher ordered us to prepare a topic to speak about. The topic would have to last 5-10 minutes. There were no restrictions on what the topic could be.

However, the fact that there were no restrictions made it harder for me. I couldn't help but wonder if the topics I wanted to speak of were too sensitive. I was afraid that my opinions would cause people to think of me as amoral. Alternatively, I could talk about myself but I hated the thought of exposing who I was in front of other 15 year old strangers.

The weeks went by and it was finally my turn to present. Others had spoke about their trips to other countries or ingrown nails. Yet, I talked about how I could not decide on a topic.

Till this day, I am still surprised at how well received my "speech" was received by the "judges". Of course, my teacher wasn't very amused haha..she even told me to prepare another topic (she forgot about it though). What's more surprising is how I had the courage to spout such nonsense.

There are many days where I can't wait to be financially stable. I can't wait to break free from these binds. At the point where I am financially stable, I will finally able to walk the path I want.

I hunger for this empowerment. I'm sick of my dependence. Sick of my weakness.

Imprisoned by the sickness.

The little pieces of my life.

It's hard going home and knowing that home won't be here for long. Putting all those memories into the boxes feels awful. 

First my hamster, then my maid, the car, my family and lastly the house.

I feel as though this country has become a foreign land. Yet what can I do, but bid my goodbyes with a smile on my face. No matter how much I wish to, I can't turn back. I can't hang on to this feeling of nostalgia. I know I can't but I still do..

I am starting from scratch. And it's terrifying. I am all alone in this weird landscape I used to know. The things that I held on to now lay before my feet.

Spots on a blank paper are always glaring.

I cant seem to make the words come out.
 
This anger steals my voice and burns me from inside.


It's maddening to hear the flames licking my heart. These flames which I can't douse.


Anger, regret, despair, jealousy and doubt.

The flame feeds greedily. So gleeful in it's unsynchronised dance. 

I'm a captive robbed of any rights. I am a victim of my emotions and a visitor of failure. This flame torments me in it's ever burning light.


The phoenix always rises from it's ashes.
But I'm just me. 

I really hate my birthday. It's the loneliest day on earth.

It's that horrible day again. As usual, I feel depressed on this day where I should be celebrating.

But it is on this day that I am able to evaluate how well people think of me. And I don't want to evaluate it cause it hurts to know.